One of my children is questioning their gender, and they seem at ease with non-binary. I found this out yesterday, so I’m approaching this gently, though I feel ill-prepared. I want to be who they need.
I’m curious about the experiences of other parents, or stories about your parents learning to adjust if you came out to them.
Follow-up: Thank you all so much for your stories and your feedback!
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I’ve experienced the other side of this. I know my mother had a hard time at first, and for a while she was mourning me, which was weird to experience, but eventually she realized I’m still the same person and I’m just being more myself.
My best advice is to listen to them. My mother was very convinced it was a phase for years and wouldn’t let me take hormones despite the very many times I tried to prove to her it’s not. Eventually she agreed and after my first appointment she told me she’d never seen me that happy since I was a little kid.
(Not every trans person wants to medically transition and that’s okay too. That’s why I say to listen to them. They know what they want and have probably put a lot of thought into it already.)
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One of my kids is non-binary and have been for mayve 6 years. I still get the pronouns wrong now and then but most of the time I succeed. Been a long way getting there, and a lot of help from my non-binary sibling who calls me out whenever I fail.
Did you love that baby before it was born and you knew its gender?
If so, what changed?
Honestly, a little shocked. Only because I would be also be discovering that I’m a parent.
About 10 years ago I told my dad I was gay and living with the guy who’s now my fiance. He just kinda went “ok” and changed the subject to where he was working construction nearby where I lived. Honestly, it sounds weird, but it really worked in the context of everything and our relationship. I couldn’t imagine it being the sappy cliche just because of the type of guy he is.
He later met him and they get along great with each other to this day.
Not gay myself, but I imagine in my case this would be the best possible outcome. I’m picturing in my head as though his response would have been the same if you’d said, “Hey dad, I’m straight and living with a woman.” I think my dad would be amazed that anyone could stand spending that much time with me 😂
Wouldn’t care or even change anything. In Finnish hän is gender neutral anyway.
Only difference is I’d suggest they look into maybe going into a professional field that can research biological transition even better, so they can maybe discover a pill that lets them change sex all the way without surgery or something one. Never know.
In the meantime, I’d start to put aside a “trans surgery” fund for them.
Similar situation: I’ve switched from saying “daughter” and “sister” to “child” and sibling. I’m not perfect at it yet and it doesn’t even appear that important to them, but I’m trying.
Disclaimer##
I am cishet without experience here. This is what I would do. Might not be perfect, but most things is okay if there is lots of good intentions and love 😊
I would be honest. You are allowed to have feelings and be conflicted. You are however not allowed to make this about you. When talking about it, be careful and sensitive. Anger or denial should be suppressed. Talk to someone else if you feel that way. Your role is not to stop it, but to stay close and be loving. Do not ask too many questions about “Are you sure? Maybe its just a phase? etc”. Your long term relationsship depends on how you handle it. Handling it perfectly is less important than showing lots of love and support.
“I support you and love you no matter what”
“i might not react or handle everything correctly, but want to learn and support you”
“Does this mean there might not get grandchildren? If so, that’s a shame, but not the end of the world”
“I am unsure how I can help you make the right decisions for you going forward, is it okay if I suggest seeing a therapist to help you navigate this? Not to stop you, but just to help you find out what you need.”
“You can talk to me about anything, I might not always understand, but will read about it and try to educate myself”
